Dementia [+18]

I know it’s in there…I know it. I just can’t reach it. But I know it waits for me.

My entrails dictated me that I should follow your shadow and believe in your inner darkness. But I can’t seem to be able to stick with the plan. Is it fear that makes you tremble or just the image of me and this bloody axe… Or maybe are those hundreds of dead bodies that I left behind.

I can’t figure this out and my perception of this world is a bit…how should I say…a bit “nauseated”. Just like when you’re feeling depressed and there’s no fucking soul in this world that can comfort you. Not a single one…

I believed in this logic. I really did. I tried and tried til my strength was all vanished. I used my time quite ingeniously. Every calculation I made had a reason. Every problem had up to forty solutions. Only this one had an answer missing. Why has this to be…more exactly why you have to be this way. I only tried to love you. You were everything for me.

Now you’re only a meat piece baby. I stay quietly in here, looking at your corpse and crying because I beheaded you…I’m sorry girl, let’s just make up…

Sadistic Love

They say it’s over. They say it’s time to move on and let the past to transform into beautiful golden ashes.

I can’t remember the exact moment when I lost you…but I’m determined to find you once more. Or at least to come close to what you’ve become, my dear. I always thought that our love could resist to any temptation and overcome any obstacle. But you’ve changed. From a sweet angel you’ve become…something that I can’t describe with humanly words…something different but very precious to me.

So, here I am…searching for you, calling your name and waiting for an answer.

But the silence it’s too painful, so I have to find you – and that as quickly as possible. Because every second without you it’s like torturing myself without a proper reason.

I grab a candle and I open that lost door – the door of memories. The only thing that seems to be a barricade between you and me. I can smell you now, you’re here. You’re here…

I gently touch your face…that beautiful face that now is so cold. Why are you cold baby? I can’t help but to embrace her – hoping that she wouldn’t be cold no more…

Remember our first kiss? That beautiful night…all the stars that could easily turn our wishes into reality. I want you to remember cause I’m about to kiss you again…I feel your cold lips. And I feel those maggots that twist around in your mouth. So sweet and yet so tragic.

I embrace her hoping that our feelings will be revived once more. Her beautiful skin turned green some time ago. Why is this happening to her? A smell that could offend someone’s senses entered my nostrils…rotten flesh. My baby is decomposing – and it’s not what I wished for her. it’s like something is taking away from me what is left of her. I don’t want to lose her like this…I’m scared, I’m nauseated, I feel strange, my emotions are overwhelming me, I need a break, I need a solution…

That’s it! Brilliant…why didn’t this struck me earlier. In every relationship, partners must offer their hearts. I need her heart, I need my baby’s heart…

Using a knife I open up her chest. I work quickly because I’m afraid that something might wanna try to stop me. My hands are inside my baby’s body searching for that little treasure…

Despite the blood and the meat parts that are now scattered around me – I feel happy. I just got what I need – a small and soft item that could easily vanish into thin air, if I don’t pay attention…It’s her heart, our heart now…

Decline

We seek only what we need…

Our mentality is often disturbed, but we try to avoid expressing the truth. We deny everything.

It is a natural source of human deprivation. We lie, we steal, we harm, we rape, we kill, we destroy, we disgrace and yet we still call ourselves good people. We are not. We only think that way, we only try to hide the falseness of our true essence.

We are born alive yet we are dead. We hope for heaven but only hell can accept us as we are. Everyone has a defined place there. I once knew  man. Fucking bastard.

He loved to be the main atraction everywhere he went. Without realizing it he was harming a lot of people. In the end all became clearer after he died. There are no such things as greatness. Nor things as love. There’s only hate. And betrayal.

Things that make the human being squirm in filth and misery. The only thing that keeps us alive. I wonder if we are still able to realize that we are alive after the maggots carve into our flesh. And when our dry bones are discovered by some child playing with his favorite toy. What would you say about this?

Come. The time for dark eternity has arrived. Hurry up, my child.

Imperturbable

Let’s try imagining ourselves living without no worries all our lives.

Let’s try imagining ourselves completely addicted to a beautiful way of living.

Then let’s try to picture ourselves in great danger, knowing that we cannot escape our fate. Let’s say that in the past we did something that right now could be the main reason for our current situation.

We are still able to remain calm and think through this. Everything has an explanation. And as false as it sounds, every problem has a solution.

One individual can get desperate but there are people who can comfort him, who can support him, who can help him. I am not one of those persons. I am not even close to that individual. I don’t care, I don’t even think about getting involved in his situation.

Why should I?

Why should someone get into his affairs. Why helping him? He didn’t do shit for me in the past. Why now? When I’m feeling comfortable enough he must come and ruin my existential condition. I’ll just go…

So I went. Days and months passed. I was far, far away from that. But now, the circumstances made me come back. Guess what? Everything has changed. I’ve changed even if you don’t realize it…yet.

Hmmm…you didn’t observe but it’s a direct message to you. You said back there that you need me. I didn’t care about that. But now I do. And as sad as it might be, you’re not here anymore.

Like a spring flower, you vanished into thin air. I wasn’t here when that happened. I just found out a minute ago. I just found out that you killed yourself…